Today, we are going to cover that strange, curious condition that afflicts most bands eventually. The formal medical term is "insecurity-induced musical estrangement syndrome," more commonly known as "I hate my %$#% [choose instrument player] and I'm going to beat his dumb ass disorder." How do you get along with people that drive you crazy? It's hard, but I have some ideas.Let me get this straight. One guy in your band shows up for gigs drunk. Another has developed a coke problem and, as a result, can't afford to pay his share of studio costs for your new CD. The other guy is always fighting viciously with his girlfriend and it negatively affects the band. The last guy acts like a spoiled 5-year-old, constantly complaining and implying that without him you'd be nothing. You just can't stand him. You, on the other hand, are perfectly normal and rational and can't understand why fate has determined that you must play in a band with these boneheads. Yet, when you play together, there's this THING that happens, this magic that has never been present in any other musical situation you've been involved in.
Does any of this sound familiar? It certainly mirrors some of the band experiences I've had over the years. Egos, drugs, dysfunctional relationships and plain old musical disagreements often get in the way of bands functioning at 100 percent and reaching their full potential. If your band is suffering through these kinds of problems, there are a few things you can do to try and improve your relationship with one another.No one ever said that being in a band is easy. It is really like a family, complete with all its positive and negatives. The key, though, is to remember that you don't have to love one another; you just have to get along. Rock and roll history is rife with examples of incredible bands who constantly fought with one another and are still here to talk about it. The Rolling Stones, Aerosmith, The Kinks, Guns N' Roses, the Black Crowes, Megadeth and Black Sabbath are but a few.
The first step is to locate the problem. Sometimes it can be simple: the guitarist has a drinking problem. Other times, especially when it is primarily a clash of egos, it is much more complicated. Still, you obviously cannot fix the problem until you know what its origins are. You have to do some work to figure out why people behave the way they do. That may require more than just a prima facie understanding of human psychology and behavior. If necessary, read a psychology book or talk to a counselor. Do whatever it takes to get a grip on what the real root cause of the problem is.The next step is trying to fix it. Don't ever presume that just because you were the person who recognized the existence of a problem, you may not be partially to blame for it. Even if you are the "rational and responsible" guy in the band, you may have unwittingly contributed to the genesis of this problem. As with most disagreements, there's your side, my side, and the truth lies somewhere in the middle.
There are two critical components to working through any personal disagreement. The first is communication and the second is respect. Talking through a complicated issue is very difficult. The only way for it to work is for both sides to be willing to discuss their concerns rationally. Both parties must do everything possible to avoid getting emotional and upset or to take things personally. In theory, at least, it is in everybody's interest for people to get along. Don't push people's emotional triggers simply to upset them, as that ultimately benefits no one. Do everything you can to respect your bandmates and their position, even if you disagree with them. If people believe that you are trying to invalidate their opinions, chances are that they will respond by becoming defensive and you will accomplish nothing. Remember, your goal here is to find common ground and for all sides to be conciliatory. If your discussion degenerates into a screaming, insult-laden argument—or worse, a fistfight—you may be searching for new members in the morning (and getting some stitches tonight). If necessary, find a neutral third party to help you talk through your problems. Perhaps a counselor or your A&R person or manager can help.
Once you work through the major issues, the focus must be shifted onto relationship maintenance. This means revisiting issues as they crop up and also being willing to take on new problems early, before they grow bigger. All involved must be willing to have respectful, nonjudgmental band meetings frequently to work on that old cliche of "building bridges." If you respect each other and, maybe more importantly, respect what you each bring to the band, you will do what is necessary to ensure domestic tranquility.
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